*WARNING: The accuracy is unbearably real. However, if you can’t tolerate humor based upon stereotypes, do not read or disregard.
From men like Harvey Weinstein who are just plain sick perverts to men like Kanye West who are inherent a-holes, us women are constantly subjected to an intricate obstacle course set up by none other than the opposite sex. Here are some ways in which I’ve felt swindled and used by men. I have cleverly divided them into categories by names and character traits. Can you relate? (Disclaimer: Obviously, not all guys are like this. For example, all of my guy friends are awesome to women, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Typically it is just overly hot and wealthy ones that can be a bit, well, dangerous. Again, I will try not to stereotype men as a whole. Just know that the duds are out there too. Make sure to read to the last one. You’ll be satisfied that you waited, no pun intended. Happy Dating, ladies).
1. Mr. Egotistical : Well hello there, I am Mr. Egotistical. Yes, I am pretty. Yes, I like to take cute pictures with my glamour queen of a mother to make you want me even more cause I must be a “momma’s boy.” My hair is thick, and my lips are thin and curved perfectly at the edges. My dad looks just like me (and acts just like me). Like father, like son, right? I come from a wealthy suburb of a large city. I am very smart, so can you say full package? Yeah, I have got a job interview next week, and I am not afraid to tell you all about it. Oh, also, I really don’t care about what you are into, so be prepared for petty, one-worded responses.
2. Mr. Sporty : Did you see the game the other night? No, you didn’t, cause nobody cares about the game like I do. Did you hear about that one player? Yeah he’s super chill. I think you’d like to see him play, wouldn’t you? So anyway, I basically won’t respond to anything you say unless it has the word ‘ball(s)’ in it (that can be in a sexual way too, cause God forbid if I miss out on pleasure). Oh, by the way, wanna go shoot hoops later? Maybe head out to the driving range? Your pick, baby. It’s all about you.
3. Mr. Frat : Babe, my Patagonia is dirty. I spilled a whole handle of Burnett's on it last night at the Pledge Dad/Pledge Son Reveal. Would you mind washing it for me? Normally, my mom would do it, but you know, she’s not here soooo...Oh, the boys and I are throwing down tonight. Wanna come? Maybe you could wear that skimpy cocktail dress that you wore to formal. The one that makes your boobs pop? Yeah, baby, that one. Also, I really think I need a beer right now. I know it is like 7 a.m., but a man needs alcohol in the morning to thrive just like you need coffee to wake up. Oh, also, did you happen to move my Sperrys? I couldn’t find them up in my dumpster fire of a room that I share with eight other barbaric men.
4. Mr. Smartass : You failed that test? I took that class last semester. So easy. What a bummer that you failed. That blows, girl. You know what else blows? (LOL I know you do…)
5. Mr. Humor : Hey girl! I am SOOOOOO awkward, right? Like that joke I said was funny, but I know it embarrassed your friends. I still don’t get why you won’t date me though. It was funny! Yeah, I know I am not cute at all. My major is something kinda unimpressive, like art studies with a minor in poli sci. What am I going to do with it? Good question. I don’t know why my future matters to you so much. I am just living for today, even if my degree only gets me to Dollar General, and my humor is only received well by old perverts in bar settings. It’s all good. Right?
6. Mr. Foreign Exchange : I am from another country. It is so much better than here. I like you though cause you look exotic. I will take you on a traditional date then ask you to come back to my country for the summer. Actually, maybe that’s a bad idea. My mother does not like me interacting with females before marriage. Anyway, I am way smarter than you will ever be, and I don’t have to tell you that. You knew it. In fact, you knew it as soon as I told you where I am from. You guys are kinda racist here. You are pretty though, and you are nice sometimes. I like you. I love you. You are my queen.
7. Mr. Country Bumpkin : The Mississippi moon can’t shine as bright as you, girl. You are so basic and I love it. You remind me of my momma romping around the kitchen making breakfast for my dad early in the morning as the Brahma rooster crows (that is my mom’s job after all, cooking and cleaning). I like my whisky sour and my women mediocre. I like a nice country girl who will wear boots, no makeup and cheap t-shirts I will buy for her on sale at Rural King. If you can’t mess with this big ole’ cowboy, step away from the horse. I am here to rock your world and make you my country queen. Let’s go mudding. My F150 is ready for you. I even washed it and threw away the McDonald’s trash in the passenger seat. The Lord knows I won’t be as rich as Brad Paisley, but I can sure as hell act like him.
8. Mr. ‘Sorry I am Taken’ : Yeah, I know that I am perfect. I will remind you of it as I post all over social media about my girlfriend and I and how happy we are. We plan on getting married, and we are barely in our twenties. Isn’t that the sweetest? Her and I have been together since freshman year of high school. No, maybe before that. I guess I have always loved her. You are cute, you are, but she is just so much better. I hope you find someone who likes you. I am sure you will. I can’t help you though. She’s my only love. I know, it sucks. Sucks for you, that is. I will never date another girl, even if we break up. This is it, my friend.
9. Mr. Odd : I am very awkward. I find you pretty. Very pretty. I will make small talk with you and text you constantly. Like all damn day. This makes you start to hate me. My weirdness and neediness tires you out. I am very smart, and this tempts you to like me cause I will make good money some day. You, however, will never go for me. You can’t get over how damn skinny and short I am. I am very skinny, pale and unattractive in general. I will some day find a woman who shares my oddities. You hate that I like you cause you wish I was actually attractive. You always ask yourself why the cute ones do not like you. What’s wrong with me though? All I do is play video games and ace homework assignments. That’s good, right?
10. Mr. Right : Hey, it’s me. It may be taking you a long time to find me, but I am out there. When you are lonely and sad, think that one day you will be falling asleep in my arms every night for the rest of your life. I am easier to find than you think. All you have to do is wait. I know it sounds uneventful and mundane, but I am coming to you. Every day you live is a day you are closer to finding me. I have a great family that will one day be your family too. We will spend many holidays together, and your family will love me just as much as you do. I know it is hard for you to sit around and watch all the happy couples flourish in love, life and laughter. Just know that one day you will possess that type of happiness too. As you meet men in your life who have poor qualities, know that I will not have those qualities. I will work hard every day to be perfect for you, the very best I can be. As for now, enjoy you this time of singleness to grow in mind, body and soul. Learn to love yourself as much as I will love you. Always remember in order to be loved, you must love yourself first. Oh, and for what it’s worth, I am pretty cute. To you, at least. That’s all that matters.
In the meantime…